It’s New Year’s Eve. I’m sitting here on my work laptop at 9:20 PM reflecting on how different this year has been compared to other years. I saw this pic on Instagram and it resonated with me. Crazy and it is, it somehow brings me comfort. Shoutout to The Everymom for posting it! This year was a significant one for me. I gave birth to my first child and my family dealt with loss. And then there’s Covid. Ew.
I was still in school back in January. During the summer of 2019, I had decided to go back to school to pursue a BS degree in health informatics. Shortly after I started my first semester, I found out I was pregnant. Working full time, going to school part time while pregnant is not easy. The whole pregnancy brain thing is real!
Fast forward to August, 27th. Our son, Noah, made his entrance into this world. He was and is the best thing that’s happened to us this year! I really struggled as a first time mom (FTM). I had (and still do) absolutely NO idea what I was doing as a new mother. I was just straight up in survival mode, doing anything and everything I could think of to keep this little human alive. Google is a FTM’s best friend!
As my husband and I were adjusting to our new life, on October 21st I got a call from my younger sister. My dad was in the hospital and diagnosed with liver cancer. The oncologist gave him “maybe 2–3 months, with 3 months being very optimistic.” It had been years since I had last seen my parents. There’s a ton of family drama that I’m not going to get into. I went to see my dad the very next day. We didn’t talk much because he was in pretty bad shape and it took every ounce of strength for him to stay awake and try to speak. I showed him his first grandson and he cried happy tears. Then he apologized. He didn’t have to say what he was apologizing for because I already knew. I resented both of my parents for so many years and those were the only words I ever wanted to hear. A week and a half later my dad passed on November 1st. Just a week after this 68th birthday.
We didn’t celebrate Noah’s 100 days, get together for Thanksgiving, or do anything special for Christmas. We’re all still grieving the loss of my dad. But we tried to make the best of our situation for Noah. We bought our very first Christmas tree for our son and decorated it. We didn’t go all out on gifts for him since he’s only 4 months old. But we had each other and we were happy. That’s all that mattered to us.
This year brought me the most joy and greatest loss but its made me stronger. 2020 has taught me lessons, helped me grow, and put me through some shit I could never fathom. It took daily effort and prayer to push past the darkness and find the light. I had to do it for my son because he is too little to grasp what this year has brought. Just as The Everymom says in their pic, I’m sending love to those who are “grieving a loss, homesick for family and friends, mentally and physically drained, trying to hold it all together, struggling to make magic for their kids, and worried about what the future holds.” I’m ready to leave this year behind and look forward to a better 2021.
